At least not here.  I've succumbed to peer pressure and can now be found at a new address

http://morethanmyself.wordpress.com/

tune in for your daily (sometimes) dose of me or my kids or whatever I feel like posting, really.  Will Na get the job?  Will the kids leave me with any non-gray hairs?  Will I ever get to drink excessively on a tropical desert island?  You'll have to tune in to find out.

I posted on the board on Friday, but it was sort of hidden in the post about me being away for this past weekend.  He has *a* job, we just don't know which one yet.  They're supposed to be making the decision this week.  They went ahead and started on his background check and reference check yesterday.  I'm trying not to get excited or make a big announcement yet because he hasn't signed an offer letter.  But, it's definite enough that I can start clearing out crap we don't need and start packing up stuff that's non-essential.   I PROMISE as soon as we get the offer letter I will post on the board loud and clear that he has the job, lol.  I'm just trying to stay kind of low-key about it just yet since it could still fall through and their HR department is soooo slow that who knows how much longer they will drag this out.

My best friend J was here this weekend, she brought her husband and 8mo daughter.  A really seemed to enjoy playing with baby E, they took turns poking each others eyes, grabbing each others hair, and just staring at each other, which really is the height of baby-excitement I think, lol.  Saturday J and I went and had pedicures and on a whim had our eyebrows done, too.  I really forget just how much I love having my toes done, they look all pretty and soft with sexy red nails (there is a fine line between hooker red and sexy red, lol), aahh pure bliss!  Saturday night we conspired to kick the grown boys out of the house and luck would have it a 3 hour Pirates of the Caribbean was playing.  We put the kids to bed, the boys went off to their movie, and she and I were alone with a big bottle of Bailey's and some chocolate ice cream. MMMM, Bailey's milkshakes.  And then when we were tired of making milkshakes, mmmm Bailey's and milk.  And eventually mmmm, just Bailey's.  I don't think I've had that much to drink since before I had Trenton.  I seriously forgot how a good drinking session can change your perspective on things.  Even now 2 days later I just feel so relaxed and mellow. 

I had forgotten just how much she and I are alike, at one point at dinner with our husbands and kids she was telling me something and had to stop to feed baby E, she hadn't really gotten to the point yet, but it didn't matter I knew what she meant and so I finished her thought for her.  Her husband was looking at us like "WTF just happened?" because he had been listening and had no idea where she was going with her train of thought, lol.  But, she and I have known each other for 15 years, we've known each other through boyfriends and break-ups, we've known each other through fights we thought would end our friendship, we've known each other through horribly low points and amazingly high points, we talk on the phone almost every day for an hour, we've known each other for way longer than we've known our husbands.  She knows all my dark secrets, things Na doesn't even know the full details about because she was there.  I know things about her that I know her husband doesn't, because I was there.  It would really be a shame if we've known each other for this long and through so much and I couldn't finish her sentence for her. 

In other news, we're having a moving sale on Saturday.  I decided that it needed to be ASAP so that I can get stuff out of my house before I really start getting into packing.  Also, we can have extra money to budget for our move.  So I am busy sorting and cleaning up stuff and pricing.  I really suck at pricing for garage sales because I am cheap and assume that other people are as well, so I'm afraid if I don't price stuff dirt cheap it will end up going to Goodwill and I won't make anything off of it.  Na is at the other extreme where if we can't make back what we paid for it we should just keep it.  I'm doing the pricing while he's at work so that he can't give an opinion, lol.

Yay, a post NOT about job hunting!  N has been fully daytime PT'd for over a month now, almost completely accident free.  Initially he was PT'd for naptime and the only sore spot was night.  Then for some reason he started having an accident every nap, too.  So, twice a day I was changing sheets (did I mention that the child pees straight through plastic sheets?).  I talked to my cousin about it and she asked if maybe staying dry while he was awake was taking all his effort and he just couldn't do it while he was asleep.  I considered it and it sounded plausible, so we stopped pushing with night time.  We had been refusing to put him in diapers at night because I was afraid that he would start refusing to wear underpants again, but he was getting a horrible rash from wetting in his sleep and he seemed to be having some behavior problems we hadn't seen before that I thought maybe were related to PT'ing. 

So, a week ago we bit the bullet and put him back in diapers for nighttime.  The difference has been amazing.  He hasn't had a single nap time accident since then.   We haven't had any issues with the diapers, he knows they're just for night time, he takes them off as soon as he wakes up and he never confuses his underpants for a diaper.  His temper tantrums have subsided greatly and he's just more pleasant to be around.  I don't want to say that diapers are the answer to world peace, but they definitely are contributing to the peace in my house, lol.  I'll be honest, it's a lot easier to wake up and be pleasant with N knowing I don't have to change a wet child and wet sheets.

Nothing yet.  He said the interviews went well, but they said they have another person to interview and they'll let him know "soon".  Hopefully "another person" just means that they don't want to appear like they're actually salivating over the prospect of hiring him.  Maybe it's like the 3 day rule in dating where you're supposed to wait 3 days after a date to call the other person so you don't seem desperate.  But, damn them, we'll still respect them in the morning, even if they put out on the first date, I just can't stand anymore of this waiting- it's the emotional equivalent to blue-balls.  Thus ends my bad sex analogy, lol.

Na just called from the airport, he is now in our possible-new-town and is on his way to the hotel in our possible-new-downtown uptown.  He's going to try to look around tonight, then he has interviews tomorrow (the poor man is being put through the ringer, he has solid interviews until 1:30pm with 5 different people).  After the interview he's going to check out the 4 complexes we've narrowed it down to (if you want to get technical, it's 3 that *I've* narrowed it down to and 1 that he just won't let go, lol) and he'll be back here by about 7pm.  I seriously am hoping, wishing, praying to god that they give him an answer tomorrow.  I've had all I can take of living on the edge.  He and I have fully convinced ourselves that this new town is the best place for us, we're seriously excited about moving to the state it's in because we've always vacationed there and always said that was where we wanted to live.  I know we've both just put a lot of emotional energy and pressure on this job and move that if it falls through it would be a serious blow. 

Because the corollary of putting our energy into our new town is taking it from where we are now, convincing ourselves that this isn't the place for us, that the situation we're in with Na's job and the housing market aren't going to get better.  Staying here means that we're choosing to not own a house, we're choosing for me to have to go back to work before the kids are in school, we're choosing to work twice as hard for half the reward.  And as much as we like it here, that's just not a choice I can make.  And the job and housing situations are starting to get to us.  Na's always stressed because they keep piling work up on him and not paying him more and I'm stressed because we have less and less money to live on as the kids get bigger.  So, even though I'm nervous about moving back into a metro area, even though I'm nervous about the crime and the traffic and the pollution that comes from so many people in a relatively small area, it's the better choice. 

And, I'll be honest, I am a big city girl at heart.  I thought I could be happy in a small town where the choice of entertainment for small children consists of going to the park, going to the library, or going to the Chik-fil-A to play on the playground.  Seriously, that's it.  When we started researching the new town, I was completely overwhelmed with the variety of activities, the sheer number of things to do with the children.  That's what I grew up with, how it was when T was an infant and toddler- we always had something to do, somewhere to go.  The parks were things to do during down time, not a destination unto themselves.  I really miss that, I miss having annual passes to a zoo and a museum, I miss having ways to fill the hours between breakfast and bed time. 

So, I am on pins and needles right now, waiting to hear, my stomach is in knots and really our future hinges on the success or failure of the next 24hrs.  No pressure on Na though, lol.

I apologize in advance, I seem to have lost my sense of humor, it may be packed in a box somewhere, or hiding under my bed in fear of being thrown out in the soon-to-commence frenzy of moving activities.  But, wherever it has gone, I can't find it, so the following is going to be a dry, humor-free, laundry list of things I have finally accomplished, things to come, and things that I pray to god I can convince Na to deal with.

Accomplishments:
1.  Created a multi-paged spread sheet with school data, crime info, rental listings and general need-to-know info about our possible-new-town.

2.  Realize that creation of said spread-sheet may very well have been to the detriment of my sanity and also revived long dormant, but never really dead, OCD anal-retentive, perfectionist tendencies. 

3. Further realize that according to my spreadsheet there is not a single acceptable place to live in all of the metro area that we are considering.  Everything is either too far away, too expensive, too ghetto, in too bad of a school zone, or just too ugly.  There is *1* place that almost meets all the criteria, but it's about $200 per month more than Na has begrudgingly agreed to pay for rent (but includes an attached garage).  Maybe if I explain that having our car stolen or our house broken into is going to be way more than the $1200 it will cost us for a 6 month lease there he will understand.

4.  Realize it's absurd that the same man who has to have a top-of-the-line laptop is now fighting me over $200/mo for a 6 month lease.

5.  Realize also that I am a pretentious snob when it comes to apartment complexes and be a-ok with that realization.

Things to come:
1.  Packing
2.  More Packing.
3.  Lifting and moving of the heavy, packed items.
4. Unpacking
5.  Drinking- heavily and perhaps in the middle of the day or the not-so-middle if things get too bad.

Things I hope to get Na to do:
See "Things to come", well except for the drinking, that's all mine.  I will do all the drinking for this family because I love them and will sacrifice my sobriety so they don't have to drink.

There's more, really, the list is insanely long.  Actually, I don't even have a list, I'm too afraid to write it all down for fear of just sitting in a corner, crying and rocking myself whilst the list mocks me for my inability to complete it.

And don't get your hopes up, this will not be my last post on the subject.  You, dear reader, have probably a month or so of these posts to come.  Maybe you should start drinking with me, to get us both through it.

that is all.

ETA:  We still don't have a definitive answer yet, but they're spending almost $1000 to fly him up there and for a hotel for the night, so it's at least certain enough that we're trying to make what plans we can without committing money to anything yet.  He flies up this coming Sunday and will be back Monday night.  I'm assuming if he doesn't hear Mon., then by Tues. or Wed. at the latest we should know something.  Sorry to get you so excited, but trust me when we finally get the good news, I will be jumping up and down and screaming so loudly you'll hear me from 1000 miles away, lol.

THEY'RE PAYING FOR HIS FLIGHT!!!!!  They're working out the details now, but we are so excited!  We had just about given up on this job because they've been taking so long to make any decisions or move forward on anything after the initial interview.  Last night he finally decided to start applying for other jobs because we needed to move on.  I was also going tonight to apply at a couple more places, even for the short term to try to bring more money in because we're getting into crisis mode with our finances.  And then today, he gets the email telling him that they're paying for it. 

It's always like this for me, lol.

So, last winter I came upon a clearance sale at JC Penney's that was just fabulous, I also had coupons for Penney's, plus as a Penney's card holder I got an additional discount.  Amazing, amazing deals.  I wardrobed all 3 children for next winter for less than $100.  I bought A 18mo clothes.  That seemed like it should have been fine, I figured she was so tiny then and the 18mo clothes so big, I really couldn't even begin to fathom that she would fit into 24mo.  And I'm sure it would have been in the 18mo, if I hadn't bought her whole wardrobe.

It's the middle of June, she's well outfitted for the summer in12mo clothes- and one by one they're being taken from her drawer because they're too small.  I went into her bin looking for 18mo clothes and there are lots and lots of winter clothes almost nothing for summer (3 shirts, 3 pairs of hand-me-down shorts from the boys, 2 rompers and a dress).  Our source of hand-me-downs is almost a year older than A and is just passing on her 12mo clothes.  So, now not only do I get to buy her summer 18mo clothes, but come winter, I get to buy her a whole new wardrobe in 24mo.

Fabulous deals aren't so fabulous when they jinx your child into outgrowing them before she has a chance to even put them on.

I've been trying to find a book on motherhood that speaks to me, from someone who sees it the way I do and so far I have failed.  Books on motherhood fall into 2 categories:  "Let's all join hands, sing Kumbaya, and drink earl gray tea while we wax poetic about the beauty and perfection that our children lend our lives" or "The monster children are eating away my very soul and I can't believe someone lied to me that this is the ultimate goal of womanhood".  I fall somewhere in the middle and yet somewhere not even on the same continuum. 

I've been thinking about this a lot, I have a pretty good premise in mind on why I'm having a hard time finding something that I can read without feeling the need to hurl the book across the room every few pages.  So, in rough outline, with no supporting evidence (yet) here are my thoughts:

1.  Feminism fell short when it tried to move women into the "male sphere" but made no allowances for our intrinsic femaleness.  It failed to live up to its goal when its purpose went from giving women a choice to making women choose sides.
2.  Classism in America sets a divide between what motherhood should look like and who can participate in that ideal.
3.  From a purely biological standpoint, motherhood (and parenthood in general) is about bringing children to adulthood alive and functional, any parenting practice should be measured against the question "Is this the way I want the world to look in 20 years?".
4.  The Mommy Wars seems to be more media hype than something real I've encountered in my interaction with other mothers.  It takes a very real instance of ideological differences between segments of society and turns them into the equivalent a PMS-induced pissing match.  The very idea is demeaning to women everywhere, and that the media seeks to pit women against each other for the sake of ratings instead of using their influence for real change or to even ask the question (of real mothers living in the throws of motherhood, not professional "experts") of what that change should be, frankly that's what pisses me off- not that some other family is *gasp* making different choices than me.

So, what do you guys think?  This is just roughly (and very late at night, lol) the thoughts that I have regarding the politics of mothering.  Is it interesting enough for me to pursue further or is there a book I've missed that already does a decent job of it?  And of course, I'd be interested in everyone's opinion on my opinion, lol.

OK, upon further consideration, I think some thoughts should just stay in my head.
Instead I'll just post about my day, which was very relaxing.

The kids and I met some friends at the lake, which is less than 5 minutes from my house at a State Park, and we've been to the gardens there, but never to the lake.  I think we'll be spending a lot of time there this summer (unless Na's interview next week goes well, in which case I'll have to find a new lake in our new town, lol).  It was so nice, the lake has a very shallow swimming area that is small enough and had few enough people that the boys were able to just pretty much run around without me on top of them.  A and I just hung out in the shade on the sand and watched them play.  She loved the water, it was her first time swimming and she loved it.  She also loves sand, I was constantly fighting with her about eating it.  The child really is a billy goat.  We brought a pick-nick lunch and ate at the lake.   Ahhh, it was just such a great day.

I'm having one of those days where nothing in particular is wrong, but I'm just looking for a reason to cry.  I can feel it, there is a bit 'ole sobbing fit building up but I need the right catalyst to let it out.  Na and I fought all weekend long, the boys are going stir crazy from being at home all the time (because when it comes down to it, no amount of crafts and cooking changes the scenery), we're stressed over Na's job search, and for right now we're just spinning our wheels.  Nothing monumentally huge, nothing horribly wrong, but still, I feel like a good cry will make me feel better.  Hey, that's one advantage of being off the Zoloft- I can now cry again (not kidding, I didn't cry the whole time I was on it and I'm usually a crier).

Na and I are dying laughing over this. Just makes me wonder what they're going to do for their next commercial...

I think A is trying to wean.  She is only nursing for a couple of minutes on each side and if I try to make her nurse longer she either spits the milk out or she bites me, sometimes both.  I'm not really sure how interested I am in keeping her nursing for more than the next 3 months.  I feel horrible about that because with the boys I worked hard and was proud of the fact that we weathered the nursing strikes and distractable phases without weaning.  T nursed until he was 2.5, N nursed until he was 2.  I enjoy telling people that, I enjoy seeing the looks on their face (you can almost hear them thinking "but you seem so *normal*, how could you have nursed for that long?").  I'm not sure I'm going to get A to a year without major effort on my part.  And the really sad part is I don't know if I have it in me to fight with her about it.  I won't let her wean completely, I'll make sure she gets in at least 4 good nursings a day, but it's the comfort nursing, the extraneous offerings that I don't know if I can force. 

I like sleeping through the night, I like being able to go out to the store by myself and not worry about her needing to nurse for a few hours.  I enjoy not having a babe in my arms 24 hours a day, I like giving her her food in her high chair and she feeds herself while I eat.  I enjoy being the mom to older kids, knowing that our baby days are fast coming to an end.  And yet I feel guilty, too.

I'm being selfish, I'm putting me before what I honestly believe would be a better choice for A.  I *believe* in extended nursing, I *believe* it's the best choice.  But, I also believe in keeping my sanity, I believe in taking care of my whole family, including myself, and I don't think at this point extended nursing is compatible with that.   I won't actively wean her, I won't make her cut out nursings that she's not ready to give up, but I'm not going to work to keep up with the comfort nursings that are needed to extended nurse.  I'll keep encouraging her to nurse for the next 3 months, but then que sera, sera.

I am 28, I have been pregnant and/or nursing since I was 22.
Of the 72 months since I got pg with T, I have nursed 59 of them, yet only been pg 27.

Breastfeeding is my superpower, but I'm ready to hang up my cape.

At this very moment we're waiting to hear back from 3 different people for Na's job hunt, 2 managers who interviewed him a week ago and 1 recruiter for a firm.  Every one of them sounded like promising leads and I know that a week after an interview isn't a horribly long time to wait, but I still hate it.  Everything is up in the air right now, we can't make any commitments because we might be moving, I can't look for a job anymore because we might be moving, I can't register T for school because we might be moving, we're trying to live on a very tight budget because we might be moving.  I feel sick to my stomach with worry, everything is so uncertain.  Na is almost unbearable to be around right now because of the stress, plus because his job is losing people at every turn, he is now in charge of 3 different systems, each would normally require that a single person handle them, but they keep piling the work up on him, he's on call this week, and they scheduled a training class.  Basically he can't do the 3 jobs he's supposed to be doing because they keep giving him other work to do.  And did I mention that we've discovered for just 1 of the jobs he's doing he's being paid about $30K below market?  If you add in all 3, OMG the man should be making about $200K.  It's just sickening.  And it makes him even less pleasant to be around because it's not like we can say they're paying us well for the fucking stress.

Bah, I'm in a pissy mood today.

I thought the boys were giving up their naps, so I figured I would stop fighting them on it and let them not nap.  We tried for 2 weeks and I have discovered that I am not a pleasant person when my children don't nap or when they nap at different times.  I NEED an hour to an hour and a half every single day to keep my sanity.  So, yesterday we re-implemented nap time.  N keeps screaming at me telling me "Mama I'm not tired and it's not dark.  I don't need to sleep yet."  My response is the same one I gave when he screamed at me that he wasn't a big boy so he didn't have to use the potty- "That may be, you still have to do it because I said so".

I always swore I wouldn't be a "Because I said so" mom.  I remember being a kid and it making me absolutely bat-shit-crazy when my mom would tell me that.  And so far I've been pretty good about it, but I've discovered that obstinate, defiant children bring out the "Because I said so" mom in me.  I am usually more than happy to explain rules to the kids, I really believe that if they understand them, they're more likely to remember them.  But, if they dig their heels in, I have decided it is my god-given right as their mother to make them do things just because I said.

Especially since someone switched my sweet, cuddly, monkey with a 3 year old rabid monster.  I seriously didn't know that N had this much attitude in him and it can go back from whence it came, I don't like it.  I swear I have spanked him more in the last 2 weeks than I have before in his entire life.  He was just always my agreeable, happy-go-lucky kid.  And now, not so much.  These days he makes T seem like a pleasure to be around. 

Which is something else I swore I would never do- compare my children in that "why can't you be more like your brother" kind of way (I think it's ok to compare them in the "just noticing that they're different" way).  At least I'm keeping it to myself.  I wouldn't use my out loud voice to tell N I wish he could listen like T, or be reasonable like T, or understand how things work in our house like T.  But, I do wish, at least this week, that he would be more like T.  I should just be grateful that they're doing tag-team-crazy instead of crazy at the same time.

Dada.  And she knows exactly who he is, too.  I would be horribly jealous but Na just melts every time she calls him and watching him enjoy it makes it hard to be bitter.  As long as Mama is her next word (and soon) then it's all good, lol.

A has been letting go of furniture and standing, but it's only for a couple of seconds before she gleefully falls to her butt.  If I just pretend I don't see it, then she's not really doing it, right?  Or by blogging it am I negating that thought?  She's not even 9mo, it's just not possible that she's going to be walking soon.  N refused to let go of furniture until he was 13mo, when he suddenly ran across the room just because he could.  T walked right at 12mo, a couple of days after he started standing.  So, if the pattern holds then A is going to be walking very, very soon.  To that I say:  NO!  She may not walk, I won't allow it.  Maybe I should put her back in the sling and just wear her around the house- then we both win, she gets to be held all the time and I don't have to ignore the fact that she's trying to walk.

I think this is how people end up with 20 kids, their babies grow up too fast and they have to replace them, it's a vicious cycle.  The 2nd baby grows up faster than the first, so you think "well, 3 isn't so many", so you have a 3rd who promptly grows up faster than the 2nd and you think "gee, that can't be right, I'll have another and I *know* I can make them stay little forever"  so then of course that baby grows even faster and then it becomes this challenge, you will have a baby that stays small forever if it kills you only you're having to replace them at faster and faster intervals (because they keep growing up faster) until you're not even done being pregnant with one, but they've started being born walking and talking to keep up with their siblings, so you have to start trying for the next and suddenly before you know it, you're 50 years old and you have more kids than you have fingers and toes.

then I'm going to be rich.  My palms itch so badly, I have no idea what is wrong with them, but the itch and then burn when I scratch them.  My fingers are swollen and my palms have these purple/redish blotches all over them.  Sometimes just for kicks my legs, boobs, and stomach get in on the itchy action.  I think maybe my hands are being bad influences on the rest of my body and giving it the idea to be itchy.  If I chop my hands off, they won't grow back, right?  Because at this point, I'm seriously considering testing whether or not I'm part star-fish (nerd joke).  I thought about calling the doctor, but seriously what is he going to tell me?  "Yeah, that sounds awful, hope it works out for you."  I'm pretty sure it's not an allergic reaction and everything I found online points to it being a nuisance, but not anything bad (and that never happens, usually when I look up weird symptoms I conclude that I have 5 minutes to live before I die a horrible, painful death).  And did you know that somehow we have managed to not own a single allergy medicine, nary a drop of benedryl or claritin or anything else even remotely allergy-preventative-like can be found in my house.  But we have 4 bottles of infant Motrin drops...I wonder if that says something about my solution to every medical problem I've encountered so far, lol.